god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he puts the penis in happiness.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
