I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
