Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
