come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
