its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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