Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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