Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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