I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
