it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize