Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Sorry about my life...
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
