I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
