Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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