I want to make a zoo with you.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
