I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
