You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
