I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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