I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
