I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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