"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
