The best revenge is premature balding
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
