Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
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