He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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