I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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