Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
