please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize