if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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