so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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