I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Randomize
