if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
