Just cropdusted the office
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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