I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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