No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
