I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
