you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
