I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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