Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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