New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
