I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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