She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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