Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I am naked and annoyed.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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