you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
