he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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