I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The best revenge is premature balding
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
