so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
