we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
