My friends, they love my intelligence
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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