Jerry, you need to find god
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
