my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
