Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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