I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
