My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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