Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
