I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize