Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
