Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
How external is "for external use only"?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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