Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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