The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize