My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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