Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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