i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
