Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
it's not cheating when I paid for it
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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