next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
my shit smells like andre
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
