remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
