just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
