I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
