my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Rumble strips road head = magical
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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