Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
