I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
