honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
