I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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