hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
