Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
